I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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