I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize