we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
