You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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