If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
