I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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