Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
