please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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