Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
