New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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