sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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