Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Even my vagina gasped.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
