1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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