I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
