I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
