i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
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Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....