I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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