I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Shame is for Republicans.
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