Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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