New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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