R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
