drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
