...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
