Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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