hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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