this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
