hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
