Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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