is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
