I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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