he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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