I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
