I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
