if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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