Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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