you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
