I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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