She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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