I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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