I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
