she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
