R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
