Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
