I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
