Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
