Your face is a jimmy john
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
