She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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