Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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