Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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