It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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