Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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