the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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