My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
