This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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