Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
