if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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